Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. -Step Nine of the Twelve Steps
An amends is different from an apology. An apology is a written or communicated justification for a previous action. Apologies are relatively passive, which is why many people are skeptical of when people make apologies. People will use statements along the lines of apologies mean nothing without action. The use of “I’m sorry” expires eventually if we do not take the necessary action to right our wrongs.
12-step programs use amends because an amends is rooted in action. Amends or actions taken to “compensate or make up for a wrongdoing”. “Into Action” is the name of a key chapter in Alcoholics Anonymous, the text in which the twelve steps originally appeared.
Making an amends can be difficult to time. Holidays might seem like the most convenient time to make amends to many people at once because everyone is in one place and there is plenty of time to talk. “Rachel Getting Married”, a movie in which the main character played by Anne Hathaway is in recovery, takes an untimely wedding occasion to make all of her amends. However, she doesn’t offer a way to make up for her wrongdoings, but just lists all of her wrongdoings in full to everyone at the table. Needless to say, the attempt did not go over well.
Before making a 12-step amends, it is best to check with your 12-step sponsor. Having experience in their sobriety, they will be able to guide you on what to say and what not to say or whether or not it is a good idea to make amends. It is always good to let people know ahead of time and ask if someone would like to take the time to discuss.
Injuring another person by an amends is not always predictable. Holiday celebrations may not be the right time to bring up injuries of the past and trying to make an amends. Wait until another time to meet in person, get on the phone, or send a letter.
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