“Boundaries need to be set when you’re in recovery from addiction, and that includes setting boundaries with your parents and family,” explains Deidre Lockhart, Outpatient Clinical Director at The Guest House. The idea of setting boundaries in relationships (especially with your loved ones) may sound uncomfortable. However, when you’re trying to prevent relapse and maintain your recovery, learning how to set boundaries can keep you on the path of sobriety and even protect your relationships in the long run.
With that said, boundary setting works best when applied to every aspect of your life, from work and friends to family and your significant other. Having helped many of our guests with this over the years, our team at The Guest House understands that there’s an art to setting boundaries well. But first, we need to understand why this process is so important in the first place.
Why Set Boundaries in Recovery?
When we talk about setting boundaries in a relationship, what does this actually mean? What exactly is a boundary within the context of recovery? “Boundaries are the framework we set for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people. It’s setting up how you want to be treated, it promotes physical and emotional wellbeing, and it respects your needs and the other person’s needs in a relationship,” according to social worker Karen Salerno in interview with the Cleveland Clinic.
When you finish a residential addiction treatment program, you soon realize that the real world still has the same complications and triggers that initially contributed to your substance abuse and addiction. Putting boundaries in place protects you from these challenges so you can continue your recovery goals, prevent relapse, and keep your healthy well-being intact. Your boundaries also provide productive guidelines for others to follow in how to best relate to and interact with you in this unique season.
Set boundaries may involve how much you’re willing to share about your addiction struggles or recovery progress with your coworkers or friends, for example. Or they could mean you don’t go to places where alcohol is present or even spend time with certain people who use substances. When setting boundaries with another person, you want to ensure your needs are met and at the same time, foster a healthy relationship, according to a report by UC Davis Health.
Once you take time to intentionally set the boundaries you need to in recovery, you also set yourself up for long-term success. That success is the ultimate goal, after all, when you partner with a treatment center like The Guest House. As these boundaries protect you from addiction challenges and prioritize your needs, they allow you to experience a variety of helpful benefits, including:
- Retaining your sober identity
- Preventing others from taking advantage or manipulating you
- Promoting healthy interactions and better relationships
- Allowing you to appropriately assert yourself
- Empowering you to achieve your recovery goals while having empathy for others
SOURCE: The Cleveland Clinic
Setting Boundaries in Key Areas of Life
You may be wondering about which boundaries to set in a relationship as you continue your recovery journey. Maybe the real question should be, Where SHOULDN’T I set boundaries? When we say it’s important to set boundaries in every aspect of your life, we mean every aspect. Your life is multi-faceted, so you want to have boundaries in place to protect your vulnerabilities in your various relationships.
Here are the areas to establish boundaries:
Family
Your loved ones may expect a certain amount of access or privilege with you, which can make setting boundaries with them intimidating. However, your parents, siblings, children, or other relatives may be actual triggers or trauma sources in your life, leaving you vulnerable to relapse if boundaries aren’t in place. At the same time, your loved ones may want to know how to best support you, and your boundaries can help communicate this to them.
Friends
Is it okay to set boundaries with your friends? Yes. Out of all relationships, you may be closest with your friends, but that still means that you need to set boundaries with them. These could center around the details you share about your recovery, or the activities you’re willing to do together. True friends will honor your boundaries, and those who don’t might not be worth keeping.
Your Partner or Spouse
Boundaries can easily get blurred in a romantic relationship, especially if you’re living together. That’s why it’s important to communicate your boundary needs well from the start, and to revisit them together throughout your recovery. Ultimately, your boundaries with your partner show respect for one another and strengthen the relationship in the long run.
Coworkers
Appropriate boundaries between your work and personal life are important, regardless if you’re in recovery. Setting them may take more strategy and preparation, but they’re worth it. Setting boundaries can prevent burnout and stress, which are addiction triggers in their own right. And these boundaries can keep a healthy amount of separation between your recovery and your work.
Dysfunctional Family Roles and Other Boundary Barriers
As you try to set the boundaries you need in a relationship, barriers can get in the way. Some of these can be internal barriers, such as:
- People-pleasing tendencies
- Fear of rejection
- Guilt
- Concerns about offending others
- Lack of self-worth or self-respect
- Uncertainty about what boundaries you need
Of course, not all barriers are internal. Many in addiction recovery are coming out of a dysfunctional family environment. And these dysfunctional family roles usually still exist post-treatment, often hindering your ability to establish new, healthy patterns in your life, such as boundaries. Dysfunctional family roles and patterns, The Guardian explains, can look like:
- Constant conflict
- Manipulation
- Excessive criticism
- Emotional neglect
- Control issues
- Poor communication
As these dysfunctional patterns persist, they can negatively impact your mental health, prevent you from forming healthy relationships, and challenge your ability to develop positive coping skills. That’s why it’s important to establish healthy boundaries in these areas — but that doesn’t mean your dysfunctional family will respect them. If so, participating in family therapy together could provide a helpful solution that leads to better family dynamics. But if your dysfunctional family members are unwilling to change, you may need to limit your interactions with them altogether for the sake of your well-being and long-term sobriety.
How The Guest House Helps You Set Healthy Boundaries
At The Guest House, we understand that transitioning from residential rehab back into independent living can be an adjustment. That’s why we partner with you at each stage of your recovery journey, offering outpatient and alumni programming to help you venture successfully into a new life on your own. Many of our clinical staff have gone through our treatment program themselves (we call them the OGs) and have real-world experience establishing healthy boundaries in their own lives. With our expertise and the tools you gain during treatment with us, you can confidently learn to identify, set, and maintain the boundaries you need to thrive in recovery.
What If You Don’t Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries in your life takes effort, so you may be tempted not to prioritize it. However, a lack of boundaries in recovery leaves you vulnerable to mental health struggles, relapse, and further addictions. Without proper boundaries, you’re letting dysfunctional family roles continue to negatively impact your life, causing further stress and anxieties. This in turn can lead you to seek out substances again to cope, causing destructive behavior, relapse, or even new addictions or unhealthy coping mechanisms. Friends and family may unwittingly expose you to addiction triggers without knowing your boundaries, which can also cause relapse.
Boundaries should be a priority in your recovery, but if you find yourself struggling with your mental health or even relapsing back into addiction, know that this is just a setback. You can turn things around with professional therapy. At The Guest House, our treatment programs directly address the self-defeating habits and destructive behavior that get in the way of your recovery. With our help, you can reverse the damage that’s been done and get back on track.
Tips on How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Hopefully, reading this has you ready to start setting boundaries in relationships (or has renewed your commitment to maintain them), but how can you do that well? Here are a few helpful tips and actionable steps to set boundaries you can utilize as you begin:
- Think through any false beliefs that have led to poor boundaries in the past
- Take inventory of what you need to maintain your sobriety, self-worth, emotional wellness, and overall health
- Ensure you’re making time for self-care and specific activities that bring you joy
- Use your needs and long-term goals as a guide to create your boundaries
- Clearly communicate your boundaries to your friends, coworkers, and loved ones
- Learn to say “no” to others as you begin applying your boundaries
- Have a plan in advance for when someone violates your boundaries
- Track your progress and goals along the way with regular check-ins
- Adjust your boundaries over time as your needs change
As you start setting boundaries, it may be best to do so alongside your counselor or therapist. Their involvement provides additional expertise and accountability in the process. At The Guest House, our caring team is ready to provide the support you need to move forward in recovery, establish healthy boundaries, and live your best life. Contact us now to learn more about our residential, outpatient, and alumni programs.