“I’m not good enough.”
“Nobody will ever love me.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, these thoughts may be familiar to you. That’s because traumatic early experiences can be devastating to your sense of self-worth. We carry the negative messages we receive in childhood into our adult lives where they impact nearly everything we do. Poor self-esteem affects your personal relationships, work life, mental health, even your susceptibility to substance use disorder. But we are not doomed to repeat the unhealthy patterns of the past. With the right resources and support, you can learn to recognize, disrupt, and heal the effects of family dysfunction on your sense of self.
What Is a Dysfunctional Family?
The American Psychiatric Association defines a dysfunctional family as one in which communication is damaged or compromised to a degree that the family members cannot fully express themselves or develop close relationships.
The negative conditions in a dysfunctional family have a huge impact on the development of the children in the family. Your family environment provides the foundation for your identity, meaning you carry the negative messages you received as a child into adulthood where they manifest as low self-esteem and self-worth, mental health conditions, substance use disorders, and other issues.
Common Patterns of Dysfunction
Every dysfunctional family is different, but all dysfunctional families display some or all of the following traits:
Persistent conflict – Constant verbal or physical fighting among family members leaves children afraid and unsure who to trust.
Poor communication – Instead of supportive conversations, dysfunctional families communicate in unhealthy ways such as screaming or the silent treatment.
Addiction – Drug and alcohol abuse can lead parents and children to reverse roles, leaving children feeling responsible for the functioning of the family.
Abuse – Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are often considered normal in dysfunctional homes.
Excessive criticism – Constant negative feedback is corrosive to identity and self-worth.
Emotional unavailability – Parents may be emotionally absent for a variety of reasons – they grew up that way themselves, they’re in active addiction, or they just don’t have the emotional resources to deal with their own circumstances.
Conditional love – Love and praise are only given when achievements are reached.
Instability – An unpredictable parent or environment makes children feel unsafe.
Boundary violations – A lack of respect for the limits and rules family members create for themselves can leave them feeling unsafe.
Emotional manipulation – Parents or other family members seek to control the behavior of others through guilt, fear, or shame.
The Effects of Dysfunction
According to The Impact of Dysfunctional Families on the Mental Health of Children by Dr. Lucy Kganyago Mphaphuli, “Growing up in a dysfunctional family has harmful effects that extend to adulthood in children.” Your early environment and experiences shape many aspects of your development, including your beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Whether we realize it or not, many of us carry these beliefs into adulthood where they can negatively impact almost every area of our lives.
How Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Impact Self-Worth
Self-worth, aka self-esteem, is your sense of how much you value, respect, and like yourself. Your self-esteem influences your thoughts and behaviors, your relationships, and your sense of well-being. People who have a high self-esteem are able to build healthy relationships and express themselves and their needs appropriately. They also have a solid confidence in themselves and their abilities. People who grow up in a dysfunctional family don’t receive the foundation and feedback they need to build a high self-esteem.
Studies have shown that family dysfunction contributes significantly to anxiety and low-self-esteem in adolescents. Constant criticism, conditional or withheld love, lack of emotional validation, neglect, and abuse cause children to internalize negative messages about themselves. These children grow into adults who believe that they’re not good enough, not worthy of love and respect, or that they must please others in order to be loved and accepted. For example, if the only time you received love or praise from a parent was when you achieved in some way, you may grow up believing that performance is the only indicator of and reason for your worth as a person.
Low self-esteem and self-worth can manifest in many ways, including:
Imposter syndrome – Believing that any success you achieve must be a fluke rather than a result of your own hard work or skill
Fear of failure and perfectionism – Being afraid that you won’t be able to do something perfectly, so you don’t do it at all
People pleasing – Putting the needs of others before your own
Self-destructive coping methods – Drug and alcohol abuse, etc.
Mental health issues – Depression, anxiety, and more
How Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Impact Personal Identity
Self-worth is about how you value yourself, but personal identity is about how you see yourself as different and distinct from others. Personal identity can be tied to immutable traits such as ethnicity, race, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Qualities that change throughout your life such as preferences and beliefs are also part of your personal identity. Growing up in a dysfunctional family can make it hard to distinguish your true self from the role you had to play as a child. Playing one of these dysfunctional family roles forces you to view your identity through the lens of survival, doing whatever was necessary to keep the peace, meet the needs of others, and avoid punishment.
When you become an adult and try to separate yourself from your childhood role, you may find that you don’t know who you really are. Children raised to suppress their emotions become aware that, as adults, they can’t access their true feelings. Children raised by parents who didn’t respect boundaries realize that they don’t know how to create healthy boundaries, or even if they’re allowed to do so.
Addressing Family Dysfunction at The Guest House
Spending your childhood in a dysfunctional family can cause deep developmental trauma that is damaging to your self-worth and sense of self. Here at The Guest House, we know that for many, that early trauma is at the root of mental health issues and self-destructive behaviors. That’s why our programming has an intense focus on treating trauma with holistic healing combined with a wide range of therapeutic modalities including Individual Therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and group therapy. We’ll create a personalized therapeutic program for you that gives you the insights, tools, and support you need to heal, grow, and thrive in a life free of dysfunction.
How Does Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Affect Your Daily Life
The trauma to your self-esteem and identity created by growing up in a dysfunctional family causes self-destructive behaviors that can affect every facet of your life. Low self-esteem interferes with your ability to communicate, respect boundaries, and resolve conflicts. These are all skills you need to create true intimacy in your personal relationships. Low self-esteem and self-worth go hand in hand with lack of confidence, which can hinder your career as people with low self-worth often act in ways that undermine their own success. You may be less likely to apply for jobs, go after promotions, or ask for raises. Research shows that low self-esteem and self-worth are related to clinically significant anxiety and depression. Having a negative view of yourself is also strongly linked to the development of substance use disorders.
How to Build Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
The good news is that no matter what trauma you’ve experienced in your past, your identity isn’t carved in stone. You can give yourself permission to grow and create a new narrative about yourself and your purpose. Here are a few strategies for healing your self-worth from the damage done by growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Recognize Patterns of Behavior – Repeating the dysfunctional behaviors that were modeled for us as children is extremely common. Learning to recognize the patterns of damaging behaviors that you once considered normal is the first step toward breaking the cycle of trauma and dysfunction.
Learn to Set Boundaries – Setting boundaries in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re putting barriers between you and the people you love. It means you’re creating space to protect yourself and your relationships. For children raised in dysfunctional families, setting healthy boundaries can evoke feelings of guilt and anxiety as family members push back. But being consistent, calm, and firm when maintaining your boundaries will ultimately lead to healthier relationships.
Disrupt and Replace Negative Thoughts – Thought patterns established in childhood become automatic responses in adulthood. When confronted with a stressful situation, notice what you say to yourself. Would you say it to a friend? This is a good barometer of whether your response is overly critical, negative, or simply untrue. When you notice these negative thoughts and responses, use them as an opportunity to grow into new, healthier habits. Talk to yourself as you would a close friend. Be encouraging, forgiving, and kind.
Therapy and Support – Adult children of dysfunctional families can benefit from different types of therapy, examining early life experiences and how they may have caused trauma that has affected your ability to develop a strong personal identity and sense of self-worth. Talking about your early experiences with a licensed therapist can give you the tools you need to move forward from childhood trauma as you grow in self-awareness and self-compassion.
Your past doesn’t determine your future — you do. You can heal from the trauma caused by early experiences in a dysfunctional family. The compassionate and expert staff at The Guest House works with you to identify the dysfunctional family roles and patterns that have led you here and helps you grow past them into a healthy and full life. If you’re ready to move past your past, call us today.