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Why Do We Choose Toxic Relationships?

When we are struggling with addiction and mental illness, many of us tend to choose relationships that are toxic, unhealthy and destructive. We choose partners who are bad for us, who devalue and demean us, and who contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. We tend to attract and choose partners who themselves are struggling with addiction and mental illness, and we form relationship patterns of enabling each other’s unwellness and preventing each other from getting the help we need. Why do we choose toxic relationships? For many of us, the answer lies in how we view ourselves.

When we are in toxic relationships, it is often because we believe that that is all we deserve. We see ourselves as inadequate, unworthy and undeserving of love. We never feel good enough. Our fear of inadequacy often stems from the traumas and losses we’ve sustained. We believe that the bad things that have happened to us mean we ourselves are bad people. We move through our lives with this energy of insecurity and self-doubt. We inevitably attract partners who themselves are insecure and to reflect back to us our own insecurities. We attract people who make us believe our fears of inadequacy are true, people who capitalize on our insecurities and compound them, making us feel even worse about ourselves. We stay in these relationships because we don’t feel we deserve better. We think we deserve to be mistreated, neglected and abused. We tolerate being lied to, controlled, manipulated, and hurt. We stay long after we know we should leave.

Deep down we usually know that we deserve love, just like anyone else does. We would never want our loved ones to experience what we’re going through. Consciously we know it’s wrong. Subconsciously, however, we’re still so self-hating and self-deprecating that we can’t seem to extricate ourselves from these toxic, codependent attachments. We feel dependent upon our partners, whether it’s for companionship, validation, affection, or financial support. We feel so deeply attached to them we simply can’t let go. Our relationships become obsessive and can function just like addictions do. Many of us identify as love and sex addicts, with the relationship itself being the subject of our addiction.

When we feel we deserve better, that’s when we choose better. It is only after deliberately dedicating our energy to rebuilding our sense of self, our self-worth and our self-love that we can turn this self-destructive pattern around and start choosing healthier relationships for ourselves.

At The Guest House Ocala, you will be treated with dignity, respect and compassion. Call 855-483-7800 today for more information.