When we are children, secrets can make us feel more grown up and “a part of”. A secret is a piece of insider information, something coming from the top of the adult hierarchy. Having a secret bestowed upon us feels like gaining access to a secret club, where membership is only given to the most trustworthy. In an instant, we feel more grown up, accepted, loved, respected, desired, trusted, and many of the other wonderful, validating things we may be needing at that time.
Secrets are indeed a responsibility and a very grown up one at that. Children who are “invited” into the role of a secret keeper are taking on grown up responsibilities of grown up emotions and grown up experiences. What starts off feeling like an honor most often transforms into a burden, then into a trauma, and eventually a heaviness one carries with them throughout their lifetime. The festering weight of a secret goes beyond the secret itself. Secret-keeping becomes a learned behavior with many consequences, including shame, guilt, codependency, fear, and much more.
Who Are Secret Keepers?
In her book The Trauma Heart, Judy Crane explains that “‘Secret Keepers’ are often children who may be abused or bullied or who carry a secret for a parent…” Children keep all kinds of secrets for their parents, from exciting ones about a surprise for a spouse to harmful ones like toxic behaviors which hurt everyone in the family. Whatever the secret, the secret-keeping child feels “…responsible so shame and guilt preclude them from telling their secrets.”
Anyone who is or has been a secret keeper lives with the overwhelming pressure not to let any information slip, regardless of what it is. Living with this kind of responsibility puts burden on more than the mind. Often, the secrets we keep manifest in our body physically, presenting through psychosomatic symptoms. We know this because, as Judy Crane points out, “After sharing long-held secrets there is very often a physical transformation, the face seems younger, we walk taller, voices become stronger, eyes brighter, breathing more relaxes, and smiles and laughter more spontaneous.”
Recovering From Secret Keeping
All we need to start the process of recovery is to hear one voice acknowledge all that we have been through in our lives. We need just one witness to say, “I see you,” and in that moment release all of our secrets, whether we are ready to tell them or not. Our biggest secret is our internal suffering. If you have reached the peak of your suffering, it is most likely not a secret anymore. It is time to find the healing, recovery, and peace you deserve. Call The Guest House Ocala today for information on our residential programming for the treatment of trauma, addictions, and related mental health issues.
Everyone’s story starts before treatment. Everyone’s story changes the minute they arrive to treatment. The Guest House Ocala offers residential programming for trauma, addictions, and related mental health issues, customized to meet your unique needs. Call us today for information on life at the estate: 1-855-483-7800